Vandalism of Words - Book Review

An amusing book about everything and nothing at the same time, July 20, 2011

By 

Yarns and Musings (New Jersey) - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)

This review is from: Vandalism of Words (Kindle Edition)

I found this as a free Kindle download and decided to read it a month later because the author himself said "What Is This Book About? Great question. The answer is so splendidly simple. This book is about anything, everything and nothing. It is an ideal companion on a bus or train where regular interruptions are guaranteed as every part of this book is very, very short. Ideal also for parents of young children who get interrupted a lot by screaming, crying and toilet training. Great too for those with a limited attention span" and I needed something because my attention span has been short and I didn't want to delve into anything too deep.

Terrific read, no rhyme or reason to his thought processes on any given day, much like I usually feel. Each "chapter" was an amusing excerpt from his blog and I read through it quickly, picking it up here and there. Great sense of humor, interesting commentary on everyday things some of us never would have thought about or if we had, we never gave them another thought, but he did and put it in print.

I liked his writing style so much, I went back and bought one of his books and plan to buy a few more of them.

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Dean Men - Book Review

Priyam's review of Dead Men

Read on July 08, 2011

One of my best reads ever! That I completed the book in less than 24 hours should give you a hint how gripping it was. Never a pretty read but a stunning work of reality. Beneath all the ‘ugliness’ (as the author points out) one appreciates the sensitivity of the characters. Not quite perfect, but undoubtedly human. With flaws, regrets, qualities and scars as anyone else. Life, of course, goes on and Hope, at the end of the day, is the fuel we all need to survive. The author makes it clear at the beginning with: “A story that may surprise, offend or shock, but will certainly not be forgotten.” He is, as always, correct.


Picking up a book about reality in its most honest form is never easy. Thinking that some people actually go through all that is even harder. Perhaps it isn’t a mystery that fantasy sells so well. We all seek the unreal to avoid ‘ugly’ reality. Those caught up in that reality are shady figures. Sometimes books like these are needed for a dose of reality. To tell the stories about the shady figures that we neglect or forget to care about.


A page turner, as all his other books, this author can always connect with you. His characters stay with you. You can almost watch them in your head. That is how strong an effect he has with his writing. His word play and mixing of the visual element with the overall mood is stunning too. You might even be tempted to reread some portions that are truly emotive. Then you’d keep going back to it. One cannot help but appreciate the act of bravery that this book is. A memorable read!

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February The Fifth - Book review

February The Fifth by Derek Haines

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Delightfully quirky....

...insanely imaginative...intensely insightful...just plain fun. 

Derek Haines employs all of his impressive writing skills in this fantastic tale of February, Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun System of Gloth. 

I'm grateful to Amazon Kindle, which offers a platform for exciting authors like Haines to reach out to readers globally. Haines uses an elegant narrative style in this tale of February's rise to Royalty. If you enjoy a strange and eclectic story that is both beautifully crafted and "really out there", you will love this e-book. 

Donna Carrick 

Author of The First Excellence

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Vandalism of Words - Book Review

Natalie Valentina's review 

Jul 08, 11

bookshelves: my-alltime-favorites 

Read in July, 2011

This is a brilliant little compendium about how Derek Haines sees the world.

Like a "best of" of his blog... I find his thoughts quirky, funny, intelligent, sarcastic, twisted, insightful, wise and so utterly inescapable that I shared it with my husband, reading it to him. (Yes I forced him to listen at first)But then he started asking for more... And my husband is hardly enthusiastic about anything!(except my cooking) but now I am deviating a bit...

If you orgiastically acclaimed Malcolm Gladwell and his "what the dog saw" witch was a bit of a let down to be honest... Kind of the emperors new clothes... if You know what I mean... Then you will love this one. Its just less pretentious. And much more fun.

On a more personal note: This book has definitively established Derek Haines as my favorite author/writer I have EVER read. (I am reading his work backwards, I know) Thank you, Derek!

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Vandalism Of Words - Book Review

Reviewed by C.C.Cole
Review of Vandalism of Words (Kindle)

“Vandalism of Words” by Derek Haines reads like a collection of opinion columns by Derek on many things we experience in our everyday lives. He’s cynical, but carries his message with humor and clarity. I found it interesting that an Australian living in Switzerland has so much in common with others living a hemisphere away. He addresses everything to politics to usual family living acknowledging the imperfections of the world but at the same time not taking everything for granted. Heaven love him, he’s got an opinion and doesn’t mind saying so. Rock on, Derek, and congratulations, four stars!

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February The Fifth - Book Review

Delightfully quirky....
Review by Donna Carrick (Canada) - Author of The First Excellence
Amazon Verified Purchase
This review is from: February The Fifth (Kindle Edition)


...insanely imaginative...intensely insightful...just plain fun.
Derek Haines employs all of his impressive writing skills in this fantastic tale of February, Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun System of Gloth.

I'm grateful to Amazon Kindle, which offers a platform for exciting authors like Haines to reach out to readers globally. Haines uses an elegant narrative style in this tale of February's rise to Royalty. If you enjoy a strange and eclectic story that is both beautifully crafted and "really out there", you will love this e-book.

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Vandalism Of Words - Book Review

Reviewed by Joe Young
This is a review of Vandalism of Words (Kindle)
Goodreads Reader

Derek Haines has a definite twisted view of the world. I happen to like his views as he expresses them in this collection of what I imagine to be past blog posts. The life he describes seems idyllic and his approach to writing makes it seem like an ideal pursuit. I find it easy to embrace his views of political leaders and others in authority. I think I understand his anger with all things colonial and expect his taste for beer, great coffee and delightful food made with local fresh produce may stem from his Australian exposure.

I can only lament that he found a wage earning wife to support him, share in his eccentricities and supply him with a Swiss citizenship while I must still struggle through life. Pick up this book and treat yourself to the humorous ramblings and pointed examinations of mostly everything he chooses to expose himself to. I found myself smiling and nodding while I was reading and largely jealous of his ability to make such a rewarding "Big" life for himself and his readers. I'm amazed he can think these "Deep" thoughts and not completely distract himself from his writing.

I highly recommend this read.

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Vandalism Of Words - Book Review

Weird, Warped and Wonderful
Reviewed by JustJan
Amazon Verified Purchase
Review of Vandalism of Words (Kindle)

This is a Sienfeld-style stream of consciousness that covers everything from mutton to skin rashes in the nether regions from the fabric softener. I did not burst out laughing at any point but I did chuckle softly on occasion. It is a peculiar and aimless rambling of an entertaining mind. I found myself nodding in agreement; snorting in disapproval; or raising an eyebrow inquisitively wondering how we arrived at such a thought. Between pondering how often he tipped the whiskey bottle and toying with entertaining adverbs, the author drops insightful tidbits. It is an interesting and entertaining look at everything and nothing at all.

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An Uneducated View of Sex, Food and Politics - Book Review

Intelligent fun
Reviewed by Winslow
An Uneducated View of Sex, Food and Politics (Paperback)

I enjoyed the originality, smartness, passion, and the ideas in this book. Because of the unusual style, it made me feel as though I really got to know the author. He made me feel as though we were spending time together and he was talking to ME. He comes across as someone who is funny, intelligent, thoughtful, and has deep feeling - someone all of us would like to know. I would definitely read anything else he wrote.

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Vandalism Of Words - Book Review

Reviewed by Sriram Srinivasan
Vandalism of Words (Kindle)

Completed reading Vandalism of Words. It's funny, humorous, and made me laugh all the way. Also made me understand that an idiot is not equal to a fool :)

This is a collection of blog posts written by the author. He covers various topics from, food to politics to language. An easy read and one can complete this one in one sitting. I highly recommend Vandalism of Words.

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Louis - Book Review

Review by Priyam
Louis (Paperback)

“The thing that strikes you about this book is that from the first page you get the idea how much the author researched for this. The amount of labour that must have gone into it must have been staggering. When they say books are things that help you see places you haven't really visited, I'm sure they are talking about a book like this. It is written in a very personal way which makes it very engaging. Another thing about the writing here is that even though the words don't really describe *everything*, you understand it because I guess that's how the author wanted it to be. Sometimes, things hidden are the things you notice first. In the end when you close the book, you remember that the author mentions in the beginning that it took him 40 years to write the book. Then you say to yourself that 40 years to polish a story like that was worth it. I loved it! :)”

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Loss, Limbo, Life and Love - Book Review

Loss, Limbo, Life and Love (Paperback)
Reviewed by Priyam

DO NOT read this book without a handkerchief *sniff*

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HAL - Book Review

Book review by Mary Crocco
Hal (Kindle)

It’s a mad world on Gloth as experienced through the eyes of Halbert Hoop, Hal to the reader. Hal is a well-developed character who gets himself into unusual and kooky situations. It’s great fun for the reader to share Hal’s strategies in unraveling and solving these situations.

Hal’s adventures arriving and living on Gloth are unpredictable and fun to read. The characters he meets are as unique as the menu items he consumed in order to survive. Hal’s quest to return to Erde, better known as Earth is driven by . . .

There is no way I will spoil the story, the unpredictability is the best part of the book!
I recommend Hal for readers who enjoy whacky characters and crazy places. It’s an enjoyable story and once again, Derek Haines strength in developing his characters is terrific.

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February The Fifth - Book Review

Review by LilyFields Entertainment - Sharon T. Rose
Review of February The Fifth (Kindle)

February the Fifth by Derek Haines is another fun read. Feb is a junior prince of a galaxy-spanning empire whose father and older brother's unexpected deaths catapult him into a job he never thought he'd have to take. For an indolent young man who never thought much of anyone other than himself, this was a bit of a change. Fortunately, the Royal Family has hard-wired help; otherwise, Feb would have had far fewer troubles and we would not have a story to read. This adventure takes Feb and friends all over the universe, and we get to ride along.

This is a great story with some technical issues. I really enjoy Derek's turn of phrase and crafting technique. The formatting of the ePub I purchased, however, made it hard to read.

Story gets 5 for originality and sheer fun. Formatting gets 1 for being puny.

HOWEVER, some stories are so good that I don't care how badly they're presented. Feb5 is one of those. Read it.

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Dead Men - Book Review

Thought provoking
Review by By Tracytid
Review of Dead Men (Kindle)

Dead Men tells the story of three men, each from different backgrounds, who are thrown together when each of them experiences a relationship breakdown. We follow them as they deal with the aftermath of adultery and divorce which in turn leads to them losing their homes, their jobs, contact with their children and which for one of the men, ends with a prison term.

I didn't expect to like this book and at times it's not an easy read. We see the men turn bitter as they feel society turn against them but I think it's a testament to the quality of Derek Haines's writing that I ended up caring about the characters, each of whom were pretty disagreeable at times. This book challenges the idea of the neanderthal Aussie bloke as each of the men are forced, by their circumstances, to confront their feelings, maybe for the first time in their lives. We see their struggle to reconcile their inner Alpha Male with the kind of behaviour that modern society expects from them. As a woman I found it offered a different perspective on the breakdown of the modern family. It's a book that certainly makes you think.

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Vandalism Of Words - Book Review

Reviewed by Caroline Gerardo
Vandalism of Words (Kindle)

My Friday night read, Derek Haines Vandalism of Words.

The writing is witty, poetic and true.
Derek says, "When asked to describe my writing style, I would think carefully, wait a few seconds, and then answer, I have no idea!"

I recommend this book.

I'm not a whiskey drinker on ice, but his bittersweet view might need a belt when you are done.

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HAL - Book Review

Review by Jack Eason
HAL (Kindle)

Have you ever pondered the exact meaning of the words human and god?

Well in the whacky world of Gloth, human stands for - Hybridised Uniform Manipulation And Naturalisation, while god simply means - Glothic Oversight Detachment. What did you think it meant?

While this may come as a deep shock to those Erdeans- sorry Earthlings, of a naturally delicate disposition, take it from me, you ain’t seen anything yet!

I feel sorry for the illustrious members of the Camera Stellata, especially when poor Lord Ashtoke meets the real power behind Erde (Earth). Is it any wonder the man dies of a heart attack?
I think not!

And now we come to the subject of this book, Halbert Hoop - HAL for short.

Yikes Derek, have you completely lost your senses man! Hal becomes a member of the Camera Stellata? Surely you jest! Never was there a more unlikely candidate for great things than the bumbling, gangly, accident prone Halbert Hoop.

To console myself from the shock of this ghastly revelation, I turn your attention and mine to the extremely important subject of Glothic cuisine.

Turdling Hurdles for breakfast – simply delicious
Onglets of Tirdd and Yuretha Jus – pure heaven on a plate
Begrogrol fillets – totally divine
Whole poached Winkie Flyers, stuffed with fresh Krinquelain Faeces and a salad of Viddiam Lymph Glands – oh be still my beating heart

All of the above served with a glass or two of Fozzoxly, the Glothic equivalent of pure nectar.

Sadly the contents of the menu above are simply too good for the likes of common Erdeans such as you and I.

Before you think I have totally gone mad, why not read “HAL” for yourself. This hilarious sequel to “February the Fifth” shows Derek Haines at his absolute best.

Simply brilliant Derek, well done...

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February The Fifth - Book Review

Review by Nettie Thomson
Review of February The Fifth

I don’t like Terry Pratchett. There, I’ve said it. I find his books unfunny, smart-arsed and contrived. Reading one of his books is like being poked in the ribs by a five year old wanting to point out to you how clever he is. I know I am in the minority: the man sells books by the millions and the Sky TV adaptations of his work are heralded before the event and repeated ad infinitum afterwards. But his type of writing just isn’t for me which is why I began reading February The Fifth by Derek Haines with more than a little trepidation.

February The Fifth is about a young man, February Gregorian, who is the third in line to the throne of Gloth, an empire somewhere (and sometime) in the universe. When his father and two elder brothers are reported dead in mysterious circumstances, Feb has to grow up and shape up quickly as the future of Gloth and Gregorian rule is in his – so far – incapable hands.

Tradition has it that each member of the Gregorian Royal family takes the name of a month of the year, from the Gregorian calendar. At this point in the book I was almost going to stop reading and give it up as yet another contrived fantasy story.
And I would have been wrong. Very, very wrong.

While I still say that this genre of book isn’t really my favourite, Derek’s attention to plotting and characterisation soon had me hooked and I truly wanted to know what happened to Feb and his sisters, April, May & June. The friends that Feb made along the way were fun characters, even if the names like String and Snurd did irritate me. I liked Derek’s ideas about the ships Feb et al used to get around their universe and for long stretches it read like a comedy Sci Fi story – and a very good one at that.

If I were to give it a star rating, I’d find it really quite difficult. The genre makes me want to say 2* but the story itself probably deserves 4*.

On the whole I’d say I’d heartily recommend February The Fifth if you enjoy Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams.

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February The Fifth - Book Review

Review of February the Fifth (Kindle)
By Vincent - Amazon Reader

This is the 1st book I have read written by Derek Haines and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Derek has a great sense of comic timing in this book and captures character extremely well. The twists and turns of the plot kept me reading right up to the last page.

I look forward to reading more of Derek's work.

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Dead Men - Book Review

The Hell of Divorce
Reviewed by Mary Crocco
This a review of Dead Men (Kindle)

This is a story about the hell of divorce from the point of view of three men. They are angry, bitter, depressed, and lonely. They have lost their jobs, homes, and their children. Any money they eventually earn goes to child-support. They feel the Family Court favors women and they try to beat the system. These men did not exactly grow up in nurturing homes, which definitely adds to their outlooks on life.

Within a few months, divorce turned three men into confused and bored women haters. David and Tony’s wives discarded them, both had cheated on them. Steve felt his wife measured him by his salary, which he increased with petty criminal activities.

David, an innovative salesman; Tony, a hard working owner of a transport company; and Steve, a well-qualified and dependable accountant, are reduced to feeling useless and worthless to their families and society in general. They end up twisting their skills using illegal activities.

The story begins in their birth city of Perth, Australia. The men move to Sydney, Australia where they all meet by chance, calling themselves The Three Musketeers. This is where the story develops. The reader experiences the trials and tribulations these men experience during and after their divorces. We listen to the ramblings of broken men who can’t be seen as weak. They don’t know how to talk about their emotions and/or feelings in a healthy way. We watch how they do handle life, which isn’t very pretty.

Readers will have different opinions regarding how the story ends for Tony and Steve. David’s ending, where he meets his match, will have readers hoping for the best for him.

The book is dark as the story is rough. Derek Haines strength is developing his characters, and he does an extraordinary job describing three distasteful men who deal with their circumstances in the only way they knew how. While doing so, he does offer his readers a different perspective in the difficult matter of the hell of divorce.

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Dead Men - Book Review

Reviewed by Natalie Valentina
This a review of Dead Men (Kindle)

This time, Derek Haines goes more Dostojewski, than Adams, more boulevard of broken dreams, than the creation Of Sun and Moon by Michelangelo
It is a dark, angry, journey in to the dept of the souls of 3 friends in Australia, the three Musketeers, who go trough the hell of divorce. They haven't learned to deal with failure, mistakes, loss and guilt. Like wounded wild animals, driven in the corner, they fight back in the only language they know. The characters are not very likable in the beginning. But Derek Haines manages to give them depth and credibility, a real three dimensional shape and the more you read about them, almost something like a sympathies, or compunction...

You might not like their decisions, but you get to understand them. Because they genuinely believe that they have no other choice. The retributive justice "an eye for an eye" is anchored so deep in our society, and those mens hearts, that it is not questioned at all... Read it for yourselves, I am not giving any more away...

I like the shade of hope, for at least one of the protagonists, that Derek gives us in the end.. 

Its not a easy read, specially not one for kids, or youths. Its raw, brutally honest and genuine. But if you like to be taken on a roller coaster ride to hell and back, this is certainly a book for you!

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Louis - Book Review

 Couldn't put it down, March 21, 2011
By George Goehl (Southern Indiana)    
Amazon Verified Purchase
This review is from: Louis (Kindle Edition)

This novel definitely held my interest. Lots of twists and turns. Filled with interesting characters. Reading this book was time well spent.

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February The Fifth - Book Review

'February The Fifth': Doug Adams Meets Dan Brown -- Sorta
Review by Debbi Mack
This review is for: February The Fifth (Kindle)


A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away ... no, that's a whole 'nuther movie. This book takes place in the future. In a place that has no less than 12 sun systems. Twelve, as in the number of months in the calendar. Aha! The rulers of this empire comprised of the 12 sun systems are a Gregorian clan with names taken from said same calendar. Got that? :)

In other words, February the Fifth is a person. In fact, February is the person who ends up becoming successor as the new "Supreme Potentate," aka, leader of the empire after his father dies (or is he killed?) even though he is an ill-prepared, acne-plagued and fairly lazy, well, fool. The news of his dad's and brothers' deaths are delivered by a dour messenger with the most peculiar name of Snurd Humped. (More on him later.)

So, anyway, February goes to his lovely sisters -- April, May and June (what else?) -- for assistance. Lord knows, he can use it. Despite all indications to the contrary, Feb (for short) manages to rise to the occasion and take the oath properly. Through contact with a special orb, Feb is infused with leadership qualities. Hello? Things have changed.

Then things get really interesting when someone tries to, um, terminate Feb with extreme prejudice. (Yeah, another movie. I know, I know ...)

In fact, Feb and the sisters have to take it on the run. They bring along a couple of allies, including a fellow named Stringley, who's handy at tea making and backgammon, and the aforesaid dour messenger Snurd, whose lost his taste for his former bureaucratic post, I suppose.

Now ... what follows gets REALLY exciting. Big spaceships piloted by lizardlike creatures. But nice ones! Explosions as they're attacked. By their own people! Good grief! Running and hiding. Trips to strange new planets. Historical recountings. Understanding the family's roots.

To say too much here would reveal spoilers. Let's just say that the Catholic Church and the planet Earth are both key to the plot. Thus, Douglas Adams meets Dan Brown ... sorta. Except without albinos, the Louvre or the number 42. So, it's different. Really.

Derek Haines manages to deftly skewer political maneuvering and/or family dysfunction/backstabbing, while telling an exciting story about a hapless underachiever who's forced to suddenly grow up and take responsibility (aka, a coming-of-age story) by dealing with an insurrection.

Okay, so ... a few peccadilloes. Do I wish some double skips had been inserted between a few scenes, here and there? Sure. Could a few words have been sacrificed to editing? Sure. Did I read the book, anyway? Yes, absolutely! Why? Because I really loved it. The story grabbed me right away. It's a lighthearted, funny read with a serious point. A great combination.

And I laughed out loud many a time. But I'm a kid at heart, so I do that sort of thing.

Er, is it really a spoiler to say it ends well? I don't think so. To be more accurate, I'd say it pretty much does.

Louis - Book Review

Book Review by Mary Crocco
This review is from: Louis (Kindle)


Derek Haines describes his friend, Louis, as an enigma. He reflects how Louis was someone who taught him how to imagine. Haines engages his readers to travel alongside Louis to all parts of the world. At the end of the trip, we all wish we were friends of Louis.

Teremum was born in Cairo. As a young boy, his almost non-existent family contributed to a perfect resume for being a spy in the British Secret Service. As a spy, Louis led a secret life where he used both his Egyptian and English heritage to his advantage. He used different names to match his secret identities. He was a compassionate man who completed his missions with integrity. As a spy, he had to kill and also be a target. We feel his triumphs and his pain as we travel with Louis.

Louis is a historical fiction, and the author shares his secret life during both World Wars. Readers feel the emotions, the ups and downs, that Louis experiences. One of my favorite phrases in the book is . . . his mind started to wander the corridors of his life again. Derek Haines’s words sum up how Louis felt after suffering a severe stroke. Throughout the book, Derek once again makes us feel his characters true to life.

The ending was abrupt. I selfishly wanted the last chapter expounded. Without spoiling the ending, I am thinking, maybe a sequel Derek?

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February The Fifth - Book Review

Review By Eric
Goodreads Reader

This review is for: February The Fifth (Kindle)

I wanted to do this without making comparisons to other books, I really did, but when it comes right down to it, my first impression of Derek Haines' new book February the Fifth is the one that stuck with me. February the Fifth is like The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy meets Sir Apropos of Nothing, which is to say, my kind of twisted.

You have the young fool who has no business being a success at anything, yet ends up being very important to the future of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth. You also have the Supreme Potentate more-or-less stealing a ship in order to find the truth on a distant and wholly unremarkable planet. And, just to make things interesting, several puns revolving around the Gregorian calendar. If you're anything like me, this all adds up to a fun and humorous story, perfect for making people question your sanity while you're giggling over it on the bus.

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February The Fifth - Book Review

A great read
Review by tractid

This review is for: February The Fifth (Paperback)

I wasn't sure what I'd make of Derek Haines' new book as I don't normally 'do' Sci-fi. This wasn't an issue though as Derek has the ability to tell a really good story that carries you along without the genre taking over. His main character, Feb, is a rather unsavoury, lazy young man with no enthusiasm for anything yet Derek still manages to make him endearing. He tells the story of his sudden and unexpected rise to power, and it consequences, with his usual easy style of writing that is both enjoyable and funny. A great read.

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February The Fifth - Book Review

Something unique
Reviewed by Vivo

This review is for: February The Fifth (Paperback)

This is the third book I have read by Derek Haines, and clearly he is working on developing a unique style. His ability to convey the depth of this witty and intricate story in a very easy, and unadorned style, makes February the Fifth a most enjoyable read. I recognised this when I read Milo Moon, but in this book I think he has really found his mark.

Endearing you to his characters without long passages of description keeps the story moving at a pace. He seems to have a particular liking for his character Snurd Humped though, as he gets more attention than most characters in descriptive passages.

I don't think it is a sci-fi story at all. The author simply used it as a pretext for telling a wonderful story about Feb, the main character. He used fantasy settings to invent wonderful names for his characters and to convey his very personal views on the world. Sometimes, he even becomes a gastronomic critic of the unreal!

Derek Haines plays with some crazy ideas in his head and lets his vivid imagination go wild.

Very enjoyable!

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Milo Moon - Book Review

This review is from: Milo Moon (Paperback)
Review by Mary Crocco 

Derek Haines book, Milo Moon, is a story that has a ring of familiarity. It touches on the sci-fi with a hint of political suspense. The author’s strength is the fun he has creating his characters. Any reader will enjoy the adventures of Milo and Mary, which is the compelling reason to finish the book.

The prose and dialogue are simple which makes for an easy read. There are a few occurrences which automatically categorize the book for adults. Without these scenes Milo Moon could have been enjoyed by young adults, obviously, not the author’s choice for this story.

I recommend Milo Moon for the sci-fi audience. I could see a fan wondering what Milo and Mary would look like on the big screen.

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February The Fifth - Book Review

Review By Jack Eason  (Book Blog)
This review is from: February The Fifth (Kindle)

Douglas Adams has reincarnated and is living in Switzerland with wife and dog. Of course he has a new name these days. Its Derek Haines.

Derek's hero February Gregorian, or Feb to his friends has reluctantly been thrust into a position of power as the Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Suns Systems of Gloth which, to say the least, bewilders him. He soon finds that everyone around him within his court of advisors, The Grand Council, want to get rid of him to end his family (the Gregorians) long held grip as the rulers of the known universe from their seat of power on the home planet Gloth.

In his hilarious novel ‘February The Fifth’ Derek Haines takes up where Douglas Adams left off by creating a totally dysfunctional society inhabited by people like Snurd Humped, Purt Stringly, Lefroy Overload and many more equally preposterous characters. Derek has created a very funny and extremely easy read.

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February The Fifth - Book Review

Review By Mary Crocco

This review is from: February The Fifth (Kindle)

February The Fifth, is the first book I have read by Derek Haines. It was an easy read with slight touches of science fiction and comedy throughout. There was no shortage of characters, some of whom the reader would most definitely relate to thereby making the book more enjoyable.

I think young adults would be the target audience for Derek’s book. The learning curve for the characters unexpected responsibility and out of this world (literally) adventures would be enjoyed most by middle-school age children. I can picture the variety of favorite characters and the children’s reasoning for their choices as a productive writing project. The book is rich with description for both characters and places that would undoubtedly spark children to improve their writing skills. What a great compliment to an author!

As an adult and inspiring writer, I was greatly impressed with the ending. Derek’s words in his last paragraph, his last two sentences, could not have been written more perfectly to end this entertaining story.

The most loyal of loyal readers.

The Very End

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Milo Moon - Book Review

Review by Natalie
Goodreads Reviewer

This review is from: Milo Moon (Paperback)

Yes, I loved it... Not only because of Micheline ;-)
Very well written and fun to think about. My husband and I are trying to figure who else we might recognize... We will keep You posted. As I said before on an other review, I love books that start in one direction and end in an other than expected. Derek Haines has now definitively become one of the favorite persons to inhabit my Adamsy-pythonesque little universe.

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Milo Moon - Book Review

Great plot but...
Reviewed by John Cox
Amazon Verified Purchase
This review is from: Milo Moon (Paperback)


After reading the complete Milo Moon book and then reflecting upon it I have four conclusions:
1/ It was a great plot idea and had the potential to be a great book
2/ Way too little attention was paid to editing and proof reading
3/ The main characters are weak and wooden and telegraph just what they are going to do
4/ There are too many superfluous characters and plot points that are just filler

I'm not going to ruin the plot for those of you who want to read the book, and I would say this book is a great read if you are an aspiring author and want to read something that is never going to be a 'bestseller' and comes from a homegrown desire to write. Read and learn! What I mean by that is read this book and pay attention; you will identify all those places where little things would make all the difference.

The bottom line is that I wanted to like this book; I wanted to come away with a happy feeling in my stomach, but I just couldn't get there. Ultimately I was disappointed and frustrated. I would love to see the author revisit the book, working with an editor to make it the more concise and powerful book it deserves to be.

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February The Fifth - Book Review

Review By Steve Youngs
This review is from: February The Fifth (Paperback)
Goodreads Reader

A thoroughly entertaining book. I enjoyed every single page. I'm actually quite a slow reader (was too lazy to learn to speed read) so a book this size would normally take me a good week to get through. Not this one. This one I got through in 2 sittings. It really was that good.

A science fiction mystery with good doses of humour thrown in. It is set in the distant future, a couple of million years into the future. The story even links back to a 16th century Pope, Pope Gregory XIII, no less (he's the guy that changed our calendar to what it is today, the Gregorian calendar).

I read a review somewhere that said that this story was aimed at young adults. Now whether or not that was Derek's intention, I don't know, all I can say is that I'm turning 45 this year and I loved it!

Derek Haines has definitely raised the bar with this story. I highly recommend this book. Go buy it! Read it! You'll love it.

February The Fifth - Book Review

Would rate it 42 if I could...
Review By Natalie (Amazon Reader)

This review is from: February The Fifth (Kindle)

I really think this is the best Derek Haines book I have read so far. Would rate it 42 if I could...

I am not going to comment to much on the story, others are way better at it than me... Just giving you my personal overall opinion...

Derek Haines juggles with words, like others with balls. The mix of pythonesque and dry accuracy while describing the different characters is hilariously funny. And never boring, because short and precise, yet full of life.

Gloth and its history sounds so very familiar to any swiss person, that I came to think we might have inspired someone a wee bit, with all those laws and regulations, and dose boring pencil pushers etc....

The humoristic and imaginative narrative level is perfect for someone who likes well written, stories about humans in all their incarnations and states... because did we not all suffer from Acne once or twice...

And to those who think its just another Sci-Fi Novel I say: And the fab four where just another band...

February the fifth is like a song from Paul McCartney or a gag from Monty Python, it starts in one direction and leaves you in a totally different place, then you excepted. Love it!

So to You sir: I thank you deeply for bringing yourself and your work to my attention! This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

February The Fifth - Book Review

When in Rom...
Review by Bitsy Bling "Bitsy Bling Books" 

This review is from: February The Fifth (Paperback)

What happens when a privileged son too low in the royal family line to be important but nonetheless still a royal, finds himself thrust towards responsibility? He goes on an galactic journey to discover where he comes from, who he is, and what he must do to become the man to lead. You ask how does an acne-faced, body odor plagued, lazy-eyed kid manage this enormous task?

With the help of lizard pilots, three wise sisters, and a few other misfits tossed in for good measure. Feb, as he is called by his friends, travels the galaxy to find his way back to the beginning, literally, his family's beginning. Along the way there is lots of eating and time for three-handed Canasta with a small side of romance, but only for his sisters. Feb's got bigger things to worry about like governmental over-throws and civil unrest. This comedic sci-fi tale touches on themes of power, origins, privilege, morality and even cleverly makes use of historical details (a bonus in my department). It plays with language which establishes a unique tone and style. Moments remind me of what it might be like if Dr. Seuss wrote The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

I mean this as a compliment (in case you were wondering). It's simplicity makes it complex. For example, the bluest of the blue and the blackest of the black. There are times when writers try too hard to describe something: a color, the weather or a feeling. Sometimes, it is just blue, deep blue, royal blue or the bluest of the blues. I laughed, had fun, remembered all the characters because of their crazy names and even thought about how the author invented them -- most importantly, I think I learned something!

And by the way, if you ever find yourself visiting Erde, I recommend the salmon and when in Rom, well, eat the pasta!